my cat, harvest...passed away last night...phoenix had just been put to bed...around 9...and i opened the door to let him out...he ran out and i closed it...i heard a noise and opened it again...he was laying down by some wood...low growl...i ran in to get t__...came out and he was dead...no blood...must've ran out and got spooked and then had a heart attack...maybe...would've turned 6 in a couple of weeks...it's a big blow a big loss...he was not only a good friend he was family...he gave me so much love...we'd gone through so much together...winlaw, vancouver island...so many moves and adventures...i gave him to t__ as a present in winlaw...he was such a nice guy, such a loving spirit...i can't stop crying...couldn't sleep last night...wake up every hour and think everything is okay, that his death was a dream but it wasn't...this morning i walked into the forest and buried him with a little bit of food and a photo of phoenix petting him...haven't told phoenix and she hasn't noticed he was hasn't been around today...we'll just tell her he wanted to live in the forest with the forest fairies or something like that...he seemed so healthy and happy lately...we'd figured out how to get into the back forest really easy and had all been taking nature hikes back there and he'd come and be so happy with us...him and phoenix would go scouting the trails ahead and when we'd take a break he'd happily sit on a log near us...christ it hurts...t__ and i took turns hugging him and telling him how much we loved him just after he died...i don't know how to replace that love that loss right now...the past 6 weeks were the happiest i'd been in a long time...the addiction was gone, the depression had vanished...my relationship with t__ was healing...having fun with phoenix...some momentum was being made and now i have a gaping wound in my heart...universe gives me 6 weeks before i'm made to suffer again...don't feel like doing anything right now...feel like an anchor...why bother with anything when we're all just going to die at any moment...just feel so much pain right now...i just miss him so much...i keep seeing him appearing like a ghost...i keep hearing him at the door wanting to come back in...he'd be sitting next to me right now if he was still alive...wanting me to rub his neck...harvest...
